What are you up to Creasy? This is clickbait right?
Wrong!
But it must be! You can’t honestly be saying that you want the Conservatives to win the next general election….that’s….that’s….illegal
Turns out it’s not actually, but I can see why you might have thought so. So difficult to find anything on the real news that is positive about the Conservative Government in the UK. Even harder to find anything in the echo chambers of Twitter, Facebook or LBC (Labour Backed Chat – it’s a radio station here in the UK).
If I’m being honest, I kind of get why there is nothing positive being said about them. They are, after all completely fucking useless, having burned more political capital since the last General Election than a burny thing. Well, almost. It’s a bit like that Monty Python sketch in Life of Brian….
“What did the Tories ever do for us?”.
“I mean, they did get Brexit done (a self evident good unless you are an out and out global capitalist), at a time when we were on the verge of civil war.”
“Ok, but apart from that what have they done?”
“Well, that whole saving all our jobs by spending billions through the furlough scheme during the worst Pandemic since the Flu pandemic of 1918 was pretty useful, right?”
“OK, apart from averting a civil war and saving all our jobs, what have the Tories ever done for us, eh?”
“I suppose being first in the world to get everyone vaccinated against COVID (twice) wasn’t a bad effort, was it?”
“Alright, apart from averting a civil war, saving all our jobs and saving all our lives (twice), what have the Tories ever done for us?”
“Well there was that time….”
“Shaddapp we’ve gotta get rid of ’em ‘cos they are completely useless!!!”
Ok, but I have come across many many completely fucking useless people in my time and sometimes, ok a very few times (struggling to think of one specific example), through a combination of wise counsel, a good amount of introspection and a healthy dose of courage, they are capable of coming good when you least expect it. I think that may be true for the Tories, but only if they read this blog (I’m going to send it to Rishi so I’m sure they will).
But why would you want to save them Creasy? Why? Why?
Well, apart from the whole averting civil war, saving all our jobs and saving all our lives which I think earns them another go, it’s because the alternative is 5 years of Keir Starmer and his band of useless gits. Worse, it would be 5 more years of James O’Brian (Labour Backed Chat host), smugly preaching on and on about how Jacob Rees-Mogg almost lies down on the benches of Parliament and how Brexit was the downfall of the Tories which was all Jacob’s and Boris’ fault and how he told us Brexit would be a disaster but that everyone who voted Brexit were idiots for buying the Brexit campaign slogans instead of listening to him and how the Tories had messed up the COVID pandemic and how they were all corrupt for having a bev in the back garden of 10 Downing street when everyone else (except the millions that went out every weekend to have a bev and a dance) were all imprisoned at home and how the poor NHS is massively underfunded despite it being the highest spending department of all departments
(£189bn) and 151% higher than the next highest department and the highest it has ever been and how all the pay rises being asked for by Transport workers and NHS workers should be granted even though all that borrowing we did to pay for the furlough scheme during COVID to make sure that people didn’t lose their jobs still needs paying off because obviously Junior Doctors who will be earning a mint for the rest of their lives deserve 35% pay rises and those tube drivers who earn £65k a year to push a start/stop button all day but sometimes run over the odd “passenger” and that Mick Lynch is a great fella so they should definitely get their pay rise and didn’t we all go out and clap for the NHS workers during COVID so they should get theirs too and of course the useless NHS leadership should never be mentioned for flushing billions down the loo because it’s all the Tories fault expecially Boris…and Jacob Rees-Mogg… because they are complete twats and he hates them hates them hates them because they are a snooty public schoolboys (just like him and oh a billion other politicians) that have never ever done a proper days work in their lives (…..) and unlike every other politician there has ever been tell lies!
That is why we need to save the Tories readers, that is why. I just can’t stand the idea of listening to him whine and moan and bleat and groan and go on and on and on…I’m listening to him now and he’s been going on and on about some Nadine Dorries bird ‘cos she ain’t doing her MP job properly FOR 30 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!! We have got to find a way to get him to shut the fuck up (now he’s going on about Brexit again FFS). Do you see the problem? Jim O’Brain is the problem, and the solution is to get the Tories elected again in the vain hope that the shock of that result will cause him to lose the power of speech. And yes, I have spelled his name wrong. I did it on purpose to piss him off because he’s bound to read this. And yes, I am aware that by talking about him I am, in some perverse way, promoting his shitshow of a daily party-political broadcast. So, I am writing all of this and saving the Tories (he’s going on about the Tory decline now) so that we can shut down this public schoolboy wannabe socialist git.
And while we are at it Jimmy, most people who voted Leave took about 10 seconds to make that decision. It wasn’t about immigration or rule Brittania or economic prosperity or Lbs vs kg or Pound vs Euro or Farage and his band of gits or Boris or Cameron or Rees-Mogg or the big bus commercial (apparently Dorries is a national disgrace now….groan…moan…woe is me…blah, blah, blah). No, it was different things for different people. For example, for me, it was ONLY about stopping Globalisation which I believe is the single biggest existential threat facing humanity today (way bigger than climate change). Not that I care a jot about humanity ‘cos I don’t generally like humans, but I really don’t like Globalisation. Only die-hard capitalists could support Globalisation and therefore the EU which is the single largest Globalisation movement in play today. That, my weak-minded chat show host, makes you a true-blue capitalist (he’s going on about cabals of corruption now and I’ll bet he starts promoting his book or his podcast in a minute. No, I was wrong, he’s going on about fat germans on a nudist beach).
Well, when you put it like that, I suppose I do see the problem Creasy, but what’s the solution? Surely there is no way to save the Tories from the most humiliating election defeat in history….or is there?
I think there might be but it’s not obvious nor is it guaranteed. It’s a new political strategy that has hitherto been ignored by the Tories, and indeed all political parties since the dawn of politics. I call it…
“The Grow a Pair of Bollocks Strategy”
Now, there are all sorts of policies and politicians that this strategy could and should be applied to, but I am going to pick just one policy because it is pissing me off so much. Let’s look at this blog as the Amuse Bouche for our erstwhile political leaders, so that they may gain enough understanding of having bollocks to be able to apply the same ballsy moves to other areas of policy, and by so doing, snatch victory from the jaws of inevitable defeat in the next General Election.
But which area will you choose Creasy because surely it must have enough gravitas to change something important to the people, and at the same time be so well thought out that O’Broon will not only be unable to moan about it, but will be forced to support?
You are correct of course and I can see you champing at the bit to know where I will break ground. I will dally no further and I tell you that Immigration is the policy that we must address.
IMMIGRATION!?!?! Don’t be ridiculous Creasy, nobody could fix the Immigration swamp that is the Tory policy on immigration. To suggest as much is just tish and nonsense!
I admire your skepticism and challenge my faithful padawan. It’s true, this is no mean feat, we have not seen such a balls-up of something since Bezos tried to compete with Musk in the space race. I mean the Tories have burned more political capital than you would have thought possible, but immigration is their on-fire Mona Lisa. Flights to Rwanda, smirking Frenchmen with false promises reaching into our pockets for mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money, and organised crime drowning people at sea. It’s proper fucked, and that’s what makes it the perfect Grow a Pair candidate. I intend to demonstrate, that by growing a pair of bollocks, not only can immigration be fixed, but it can be fixed to the satisfaction of all except a few racists who nobody gives a shit about.
Here we go. Stay with me as this is complex and there are twists and turns in this policy that must be carefully navigated if we are to be successful.
Ok.
Let them in!
Let them in.
Eh?
Let them in.
Let who all in?
Everyone who wants to come.
What everyone?
Yes, except for anyone with a criminal record or who has links to terrorism, we’ve got enough criminals as it is, mostly in Liverpool and Manchester but they have to stay because they’re British, but other than that let everyone in.
I don’t get it
I told you it was complex.
IT’S NOT COMPLEX THOUGH IS IT CREASY!! IT’S FACILE. YOU CAN’T JUST GO AROUND LETTING EVERYONE IN YOU MORON!
The EU did.
What?!
The EU did. Well, for anyone who was part of the EU club. People just wandered around in the EU like there were no borders. Except for criminals and such, they couldn’t just move around. ‘Specially if you were like a terrorist, ooh no, no entry for you my son. No, you can fuck right off. So we could just do that but like, bigger. In the words of the entrepreneur/lawyer/lecturer/writer Claude Bristol, “You have to think big to be big”
But everyone will come Creasy. It’s only a little island and there’s only so much money and so many jobs. It just won’t work.
Tosh, of course it will work, but we just have to have some simple rules to deal with some problem areas to do it properly. The problems I see arising from this scheme/policy are:
Migration Classification
State Benefit Entitlement
Health Care Entitlement
Education Entitlement
Housing Availability
Jobs Availability
Racism
Fundamentally, this concept depends on one single defining principle: Legal Immigration into the UK is a net benefit; culturally and economically and always has been.
So do we get to go and live/work in their countries then?
Don’t care. Nice if it happens but shouldn’t stop us from letting everyone come here. Again, if you believe that Immigration produces a net cultural and economic benefit to the country, then do it regardless of reciprocation. Don’t get hung up on that EU-type thinking.
So, let’s get at it.
Migration Classification
There will be only 3 classes of Migrant
Refugee
Economic Migrant
Student Migrant
Refugees are defined by the UN as “persons who are outside their country of origin for reasons of feared persecution, conflict, generalized violence, or other circumstances that have seriously disturbed public order and, as a result, require international protection“
An Economic Migrant is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as a “person who travels from one country or area to another in order to improve their standard of living.”
Wikipedia defines Student migration as “the movement of students who study outside their country of birth or citizenship for a period of 12 months or more.”
Benefits available to each Migration Class
Some people care about whether folks from overseas are coming over to rip us off and live off our generous state handouts. Obviously, the vast majority of migrants are not, but some people worry about it because they are ignorant of the facts. Most people understand that migrants come to find work, that pays well and which will improve their lives and the lives of their loved ones, or they want to come here to find safety from harm. Smart people understand that both types are beneficial to our country culturally and economically and always have been.
I think we can address the benefits-scam worry and be fair to people coming to our country at the same time.
I have had a look at each migrant class below to address all the problems enumerated above except for racism which I will deal with separately.
Can I be a Ukrainian too?
Refugees
To become a Refugee seeking asylum in the UK, the process will be very simple. Go to your nearest UK Consulate, Embassy or UK port of arrival and declare that you are a Refugee. This can be anywhere in the world. For example, if you go to your Consulate or Embassy in Afghanistan, it’s the same as arriving in Dover. If you arrive in Port Stanley in the Falkland Islands, it’s the same as arriving at passport control at Heathrow.
Refugees need to be able to pay for and arrange a one-way ticket to Mainland UK from where they are, for themselves and any accompanying dependents. After all, we are not a travel agent.
You will not be allowed to enter the UK unless you identify your country of birth. You can only arrive in the UK by legal routes. If you arrive via illegal routes, then you will be incarcerated until such time as you identify your country of birth/citizenship. Once your country of birth/citizenship has been established, and once you have declared that you are a refugee, your asylum application will be processed in the normal way and you will have the same rights as a refugee applicant that arrived by legal means.
Upon physical arrival in Mainland UK, you will once again declare yourself to be a refugee and will be processed as a refugee in the normal way.
During the period that you are being processed as a refugee, you will be provided with suitable accommodation, primary and secondary education for any accompanying school-age children, healthcare and cost of subsistence (E.g. Food and Utilities) by the state.
You will be required and encouraged to seek employment (or establish your own business), during the period you are being processed as a refugee. As there are over 1 million unfilled positions in the UK, finding a job shouldn’t be very difficult, especially as UK citizens apparently don’t seem to want these jobs albeit they don’t want you to steal them either. We are particularly keen to hear from anyone who wants to become a nurse. This is so that the costs associated with your housing, education, healthcare and subsistence can be fully or partially mitigated as soon as possible. You will need to be able to show your efforts to secure employment.
If you do secure a position in the UK, you will be entitled to normal rates of pay including the national minimum wage. Any employer who attempts to pay you less than this will be classed as a racist (please see the section below on racism).
Your right to Refugee benefits ceases when any one of the following conditions are met:
You are found to have a criminal record or have links to one or more terrorist organisations. At this point, you will either be immediately returned to your country of birth/citizenship with no right of appeal, or prosecuted as a terrorist.
You find a job, have no criminal record, have no links to any terrorist organisation and have been employed for 6 months. Note that if your wages do not cover all costs associated with accommodation and subsistence, the state will subsidise your income until you can cover all costs yourself. Your status will remain “Refugee” until your application has been processed. If you lose your job while your application is being processed your right to the refugee benefits previously listed, will be re-established immediately.
Your application for asylum is denied and 6 months have passed since it was denied. At this point, you will be reclassified as an economic migrant and will have the rights available to economic migrants (See section below). You will not need to leave the UK.
Your application for asylum is granted, and 12 months have passed from the date it was granted. Because you effectively have nowhere to safely return to, you will also be granted full UK citizenship immediately after your application is granted, and will inherit all citizen rights.
I’ve done ever so well…
Economic Migrants
Any Migrant arriving in the UK, who does not immediately claim to be a refugee or who is not registered for a course of study in a UK educational establishment, will be classed as an economic migrant.
Arrival in the UK must be by LEGAL means and routes. An economic migrant and any accompanying dependent (husband/wife or children) must be in possession of a valid passport. Economic Migrants and any accompanying immediate dependents will have NO entitlement to state benefits EXCEPT for primary and secondary education for any accompanying school-aged children. Education will be viewed as an investment and be viewed as a self-evident benefit to the country.
All economic migrants and their accompanying dependents must have valid passports from their country of birth/citizenship. Any Economic Migrant and his/her dependents arriving in the UK without a valid passport will be incarcerated until such time as their country of birth/citizenship can be established. Once this has been established, the economic migrant plus any accompanying dependents will be immediately returned to that country. They will have no right of appeal.
Arrival in the UK by migrants who fail to declare themselves to be refugees, by ANY illegal means or route, or without having a valid passport, automatically disqualifies a migrant and any accompanying dependents from remaining in the UK or from ever returning to the UK as an economic migrant. These migrants will be incarcerated until such time as their country of birth/citizenship has been established, at which point they will be immediately returned to that country. They will have no right of appeal.
Economic Migrants and any accompanying dependents arriving in the UK must have a valid address they will be living at during their time in the UK. Migrants will be required to notify authorities of any change of address during their time in the UK prior to obtaining British Citizenship.
Economic Migrants and any accompanying dependents will NOT be able to use the NHS free of charge for any reason. Migration to the UK as an economic migrant is voluntary and it is unreasonable to assume that healthcare will be free when the migrant has not contributed economically to the country for a long period of time. Upon arrival in the UK, economic migrants must be able to show that they have a valid and current health insurance policy from a reputable insurer. Upon attending any NHS facility, an economic migrant MUST show their insurance policy when they are checking in. Where insurance policies have an excess, this excess must be paid in full at the point of care, before treatment is provided. If no insurance policy has been taken out, then treatment must be paid for in full and in advance of any treatment or consultation, at the point of care.
Economic Migrants will not be able to claim any state benefits prior to obtaining British citizenship if they lose their job or their business fails. In this circumstance, they must be able to self-fund or can choose to return to their country of birth/citizenship. Returning to their country of birth/citizenship does NOT preclude them from returning to the UK at some future date as an economic migrant.
If an economic migrant is convicted of a criminal offense at any time prior to obtaining British Citizenship, they and any accompanying dependents will be immediately deported to their country of birth/citizenship without any right of appeal (they will have the right to appeal their criminal conviction through the court system, but once these have been exhausted, no further right of appeal against deportation will exist).
If an economic migrant is found to have worked in the UK without paying Tax and National Insurance (Black Market=tax evasion which is a criminal offense), the economic migrant and any accompanying dependents will be immediately returned to their country of birth/citizenship without any right of appeal. In this circumstance, they CANNOT claim refugee status to avoid deportation, nor will they be able to ever re-enter the UK as an economic migrant or Refugee at any time in the future.
Once an economic Migrant is able to show 5 years’ worth of PAYE & National Insurance contributions, they and any accompanying dependents will be granted full British citizenship and will inherit all rights associated with British citizenship.
I reckon I will do ever so well….
Student Migrant
You have to pay for everything and are entitled to nothin’.
But you can come too.
Racism
Any person in the UK who racially abuses or discriminates (consciously or unconsciously), against migrants or any other person of colour (whether they be Refugees, Economic Migrants, Students, people on vacation etc.), will be relocated to Rwanda on the grounds that they are of no use to anyone.
Note that white immigrants and white people in general cannot claim racism or racial discrimination against them because, well, they are white and we all know that we don’t care if anyone calls us cracker or white devil or honky or gora or frankly anything else. Actually, we only really care when we are called Racist, which is ironic when you think about it.
To avoid unnecessary landing costs, racists will be asked to leave the aircraft (at gunpoint), as it passes over the Rwandan border. Parachutes will not be provided by the state so racists must provide their own…or not…we don’t care. This approach will have the added benefit of opening up space for more immigrants (who will be gifted the homes, jobs, businesses and credit balances of the racists’ bank accounts on a first come first serve basis).
Summary
So there we are then, an election-winning immigration policy that pleases everyone except racists, which the policy deals with efficiently (especially the ones who can’t afford a parachute). Even James “I’m a proper socialist” O’Brian and Keir “I have nothing to say” Starmer can have nothing but praise for this policy.
Apart from the obvious benefit of consigning Keir Starmer and the Labour Party (who nobody likes), to the file called “Useless set of gits”, this policy has the added benefit of consigning the nutter right-wing of the Conservative party (who nobody likes), to the file marked “Nutter right-Wing of the Conservative Party” both of which can then be set on fire.
The policy is fair, tough, welcoming AND respects the rule of law. It treats people with dignity. Most importantly it has bollocks because it sets out to do the right thing for EVERYONE even if some of those folks don’t know it’s the right thing for them (Middle England you know who I’m talking about).
Oh, and it’d be nice if someone competent in Government set out a clear and factual picture of how immigration benefits us all so that they can communicate properly when they introduce the policy.
Let’s remember that the primary role of Government is to Govern or, put another way, to lead. Nowhere is it written that Government has to please. Having the bollocks to do the right thing which is typically the hard thing, instead of doing the pleasing thing which is typically the domain of the intellectually lazy, will earn the Tories the grudging respect of the British people and, if applied widely to all policy areas, the next General Election. After all, what do they have to lose?
One final thought, it’s interesting to note that we could not implement such a policy if we were still members of the EU. That IS interesting isn’t it Jimbo? Yeah, that’s shut you up!
